someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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