you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
