I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
