When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
