How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
