I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
