There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
