Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
