Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
