I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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