he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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