she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
