how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
be right there i have to get my cape
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
