Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
