Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
