peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
