You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
