It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
