Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
