Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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