I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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