OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
