I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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