Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When did angry sex become our thing?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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