just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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