even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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