I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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