Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
whose parrot is this?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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