I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
