Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
