This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
