cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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