he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
