I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
