last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
