It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize