My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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