I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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