I could make wine with my vomit
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
