I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
