we have officially lost it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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