my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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