You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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