i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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