i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
