that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
