I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
