U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
