I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
