I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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