I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
