They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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