You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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