if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
