Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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