I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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