I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
